Crisis + Trust
Forging Connection in Times of Need
Doug and Curtis
As a middle school teacher at Booker T Washington Middle School in Baltimore, Doug was assigned a hall duty. His task was to monitor a hallway during his prep period and tell students not to run or go back to class. Doug wanted to be a teacher, but wasn’t sure he wanted to continue doing the work he was doing, given the apparent lack of impact he was having.
Sitting in this hallway one day in Baltimore, Doug met a seventh grade student named Curtis, who had just been kicked out of class for calling his teacher an obscene name. The teacher, understandably, did not want Curtis back in her class. Doug, for his part, had papers to grade and other work to do, and was not entirely sure what to do with Curtis. So he made the young man an offer: “I’ll take you to McDonald’s if you get three days of good reports from that teacher.”
Curtis made good on his part of the deal, and Doug had no choice but to hold up his end of the bargain. So they went to McDonald’s. In their words, this white, Jewish guy from upstate New York and a Black kid from inner-city Baltimore broke bread together for the first of many times to come.
At first, their contact was sporadic; they talked weekly or every other week. Doug checked on Curtis, asked how he was doing, and took an interest in his progress. Curtis came to want more of Doug’s trips to McDonald’s—but soon wanted more than that.
Doug recalled, “He wanted to take me around to all of his teachers and ask them in front of me, ‘Wasn’t I good today?’” Curtis, for his part, said Doug approached him with compassion, few expectations, other than “being there for me, and not wanting anything back.” Trying to get Curtis back into class turned, over time, into taking an interest in his life, but not one characterized by deep connection.
Until Curtis disappeared.
One year, just before Christmas, Curtis’s mother put him out. He went to live with relatives in North Carolina for about a year. When he was ready to come back home to the Baltimore projects, Doug was there. Although when he returned, high schools told Curtis he lacked the paperwork to enroll. Doug and his wife, both educators, would have none of it, and cajoled the school into enrolling him.
After that, Doug frequently invited Curtis over to eat and offered him the chance to help out around the house for money. When Doug painted a room or built a deck, Curtis could come by, help out in some small way, learn about home maintenance, and make some money. But more importantly, as Curtis recalls, these times “would keep me from doing negative things in the street—but I had to work for it.” And, Curtis said, “We would talk. And I would tell him what’s going on at home, and it was a safe environment, where I could be open and vulnerable, and have [those] hard discussions without there being judgment on me.”
Doug and Curtis continued to connect throughout high school for meals, these odd jobs, and frequent check-ins about Curtis, his family, and his future plans. These discussions were focused on introducing Curtis to new things like Outward Bound, going to the gym, help with his classes, or introductions to accomplished Black educators. Doug taught Curtis to drive a stick-shift. Eventually, Curtis was living on his own, going to school, and working in a sandwich shop to pay his rent.
Curtis came to love being exposed to new things and challenges, including JROTC in high school. Eventually, the younger man cautiously broached the subject of joining the Army after high school. Curtis recalled that Doug, the son of liberal New York activists and academics, didn’t balk. The mentor just smiled and asked, “You ready for that?”
Building Trust
The Boston University Professor, and longtime scholar of mentoring, Renee Spencer has often talked about how trust is a foundational component in mentoring relationships. Her relational theory is an important framework in studying mentoring, particularly between youth and adults. Mentor and mentee have to form a trusting, working alliance, where both feel like they have an authentic, empathetic, and collaborative connection with the other1.
Curtis, as a young man struggling in school when he met Doug, was certainly in the midst of a disorienting dilemma. That period of struggle helped make Curtis receptive to Doug’s support, but the mentor could never start to have an impact on Curtis without building a foundation of trust first. Mentees in need can make them ready for mentoring, but it is not enough. Mentors showing they care and want to help is good, but not enough.
Establishing trust for a mentorship includes conveying not just caring, but also competence (that you know what you’re talking about), and and a certain kind of integrity2, or showing up and holding up your end of the bargain3. When Doug said he would take Curtis to McDonald’s, he made good on that promise. Without asking anything in return, he helped him get into high school and supported Curtis in his growth and learning. They also worked together in helping Curtis grow. Even if it was a different path from the one Doug himself took, he supported his mentee’s goal of joining the Army. Ultimately, they collaborated in forming a future for Curtis.
Doug is adamant that he was not a “savior” type figure. Instead, he saw himself as serving. Curtis recalled Doug kept his word without asking Curtis to do or be anything else but the best version of himself. Mentoring trust takes time to build, no matter the level of mentee need. As Doug recalled how they slowly built their relationship over time, he said he started by extending invitations and letting Curtis come by and reach out, but not forcing a connection of any kind. That is what made it authentic. Doug described this as “throwing pebbles into the pond at regular intervals,” letting the ripples carry and have their impact over time. That relationship gave Curtis the support he needed at a key time in his life, and brought Doug a greater sense of meaning and purpose.
Spencer, R. Understanding the Mentoring Process between Adolescents and Adults. Youth Soc. 2006, 37, 287–315.
Roger C. Mayer, James H. Davis, and F. David Schoorman, “An Integrative Model of Organizational Trust,” Academy of Management Review 20, no. 3 (1995): 712, https://doi. org/10.5465/amr.1995.9508080335.
Goodsett, M. (2021). "Commitment, Respect, and Trust: The Building Blocks of a Strong Mentoring Relationship" from Academic Library Mentoring: Fostering Growth and Renewal (ed. Rod-Welch & Weeg). ACRL Publications.
A good story, well told!