Ask + Listen
The role of communication skills in mentoring.
In his recent book Supercommunicators, the author Charles Duhigg1 describes three types of conversations that expert communicators understand how and when to have: a) What’s this really about?, b) How do we feel?, and c) Who are we?
Great communicators can identify which of these conversations is happening or needs to happen between themselves and others; they can adjust as necessary.
Mentors would do well to adopt Duhigg’s communication strategies. Great mentors not only understand how to impart knowledge, but to build relationships through strong communication skills, including listening. The mentoring curriculum, Entering Mentoring, for example, is an evidence-based program for mentors in STEM fields published by CIMER at the University of Wisconsin2. Communication skills are an important part of this curriculum.
In particular, Duhigg’s description of the “Who are we?” conversation offers principles that are helpful for mentors, particularly those in mentoring relationships that are trying to bridge divides of gender, race, or other identities that may present unique challenges to forming strong mentorships3. This type of conversation has three components for mentors to consider:
Draw out all the different identities of the other person
Create equal footing; Identify what you both bring to the table
Find a deep level of connection based on meaningful similarities
The mentors I have written about in this space who have successfully bridged divides of difference have all excelled at having these connecting conversations. The profiled mentors have been great listeners, people of humility, and curiosity who are able to establish connections with people on a deep level by doing things like connecting on values or asking about when mentees bring to the table.
In several cases this deeper personal connection started superficially. Between Ashley and Morgan, this included not just the mentor offering the mentee additional, optional assignments in office hours. They talked about mutual social interests like reality television, or what Ashley called “nonsense.” Jason and Melissa both shared an interest in sports. Jack and Andi both enjoyed the music of The Eagles. These superficial interests drew out the other identities and interests of the mentees and their mentors beyond obvious differences like age, race, or gender. Identifying these superficial interests became a gateway to deeper levels of connection.
Bridging divides of difference also means mentors using a sense of humility to create equal footing. Jack did this with his protege, Andrew. While Jack led the athletic association, he deferred to Andrew as the expert in expanding their use of digital communications. While the mentor was the boss, the mentee had the chance to show his expertise in part due to his mentor’s humility and willingness to create equal footing. Jane created a space where all of her students, including the undergraduate Brent, could serve as experts on various topics and present to policymakers. Over time, Ashley has come to see Morgan as more of a peer making more of a contribution to their shared field through her own publications.
After superficial connections and presenting a sense of humility, mentors bridge divides of difference by seeking deeper levels of connection, including things like shared values. For Jane, this meant identifying with Brent as both someone from a small town as well as someone who wanted to do big things with science policy. Ashley and Morgan both shared a deep commitment to understanding the history of civil rights in the US, and to using this study to pursue a more just world in the future. Jason and Jack came to leadership roles believing in the transformative power of sports for young people, and worked with their mentees in different ways to create more opportunities for student-athletes.
Overcoming differences in mentoring is partly a process of learning to communicate effectively. Duhigg’s model of the “Who are we?” conversation is a helpful tool for any mentor. In particular, these three principles—identify multiple identities, create equal footing, find a deep point of connection—can be especially helpful in bringing divides in aspects of our identities that can present challenges in mentoring relationships, like age, race, or gender. Mentors can do this by knowing how and when to have the right conversations that forge these bonds.
Duhigg, C. (2024). Supercommunicators: How to unlock the secret language of connection. New York: Random House.
Handelsman, J., Pfund, C., Miller, S., & Pribbenow, C.M. (2005). Entering Mentoring. University of Wisconsin.
Ragins, B. R. (2010). Diversity and workplace mentoring relationships: A review and positive social capital approach. The Blackwell Handbook of Mentoring: A Multiple Perspectives Approach, 281-300.